I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize