I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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