the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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