My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
