So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
