I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
