You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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