living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize