So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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