mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
