Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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