I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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