so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
