Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
