420 ftw
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
