I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
this hospital has no fireball
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
