You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
