I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
