she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
