i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
