just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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