I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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