My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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