fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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