It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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