I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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