Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You may now shotgun with the bride
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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