I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
