You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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