If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize