I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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