I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
