its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
