So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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