so let's talk penis.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
