no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if only i could text you this smell
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
