Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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