Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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