she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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