Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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