i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
