I CAN MOONWALK!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
