The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
