I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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