I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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