I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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