He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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