p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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