I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
