Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize