He uses pillows to masturbate.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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