i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
