Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
