i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
