Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize