Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
