Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
