I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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