i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
